Hurt

About a week and a half ago I wrote up a blog. About friends who have jumped ship and family who couldn't be bothered to be here for Nathan and I through the past 6 months. It had a lot of anger and sadness in it. I yelled at everyone I talked to that night, cried to my husband, drank a glass of wine, and then I went to bed. I didn't post the blog that night... But to be honest? I wish I had. I deleted it after I woke up the next morning to sunny skies and a giggly little boy. I started clean and gave the new day a chance to be a new beginning. And then the next day. Now here we are a week and a half, and about 10 new days later....

Wanna know something?? I still wish I had posted it.

Because some people never get it.

The past 6 months have tested me. We have had ups and downs like I couldn't have imagined 6 months ago. I pushed my way through N's first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE and his first birthday. I spent my birthday pretty much alone, and our wedding anniversary the same way. I rang in the new year in an empty house without my friends or family, my son was fast asleep and my husband was half a world away. Somehow, knowing all this, my friends and family didn't step up. Nobody calls to see how we're doing. Nobody sends cards or emails to check in. Most of the time nobody even answers the phone when I call them because I need to know that someone cares.

In the beginning I got the "Oh if you need ANYthing, just let me know." and "I'll come out and visit you guys while he's gone, so you can have a break." and "When you come home in December we'll take the baby so you can go out with your friends or just have some time to yourself." Fast forward to the end of the deployment and nobody calls anymore, nobody has come out to help or just to visit or keep us company, and when I was in Ohio for and ENTIRE MONTH I went out without Nathan twice and got nasty comments from each and every person that we didn't spend enough time with them. After I drove my child and my dog from California to Ohio in the winter to spend time with you all. Thats all the help I've gotten the entire time. I have needed help, someone to talk to, and even just the "You're doing great. You can do this." Nothing.

The point of all this isn't just to be a B... Its just to let you all know, that if you're my friend or if you're in my family, that you probably suck. And in the future? Be a better friend. Be a better family member. Call. Send a card. Ask me how I'm doing and let me know you're here for me. I'm too proud to ask for help, but chances are I have gotten to the point when needed it at one point or another and you didn't even answer the phone when I called. Or you said you would call and I didn't hear from you for a week.

Now this has turned into an emotional rant and I'm sure it doesn't make sense or it comes across as too mean. But I don't care. It is time for a reality check, people, because over the last 6 months I have learned a hell of a lot about myself. I have been given the opportunity to see who my real friends and family are. And while it sort of feels like getting punched in the stomach sometimes, it also feels pretty good to not be under the impression that our relationships are something they aren't.

So thanks, I guess.

The baby isn't a baby anymore...

I would like to put out a missing baby report. He's short, kinda fat and the happiest baby you'll ever see. He has a lot of hair and blue eyes. If you see him, send him back my way. I kinda miss him!

Seriously.

My baby is gone. I'm not quite sure when this happened or how I missed this monumental transition, but it came and went. And I've been left with this heart-breakingly handsome little BOY. One who walks around and brings me tubs of goldfish crackers when he gets hungry. He smacks his lips together when its time for lunch. He brings me books to read and stacks his blocks all by himself. I can't believe the past year has flown by. This time last year I was wondering if he would ever grow out of his newborn clothes, and if the day would ever come that those 12 month clothes would fit around his tiny waist. That day, too, has come... and almost gone! And every few days we find another shirt, pair of pants or pair of little socks that stretch a little too tightly around his little body, and it gets tossed into the ever-growing bin of too small baby clothes.

I hate to admit it, but I'm incredibly sad and missing my little baby enough to ask Husband if we could maybe consider possibly having another baby... someday. He laughed at me when I said it. And I cringed inside when I said it. I can't believe I said it. I must have had a temporary lapse in judgement because this little guy we have here is more than enough to keep me busy. I pick up toys like, 4 or 5 times a day and I'm constantly finding cheerios under the coffee table and sippy cups dripping onto the carpet. Those are the times I ask myself what the hell I am thinking when I get the ache for another little one. Because for now, Stinky Bean is MORE than enough. At least until he's out of diapers...